I sporadically pray about this. In my good days, I don't ask God if this profession is indeed the path for me, and in my bad days I pray like a man possessed wanting answers from God right that second - the outcries of a desperate man looking for quick (and hopefully easy) answers.
Like the kitten I saw today walking home from small group. I took the elevator up to my floor, but before I got there I realized I had no water, so I stopped the elevator and went back down to the first floor. As I walked to the corner store, I could hear this sporadic high-pitched yelp coming from in front of me. I walked to the source of the sound and found this lone kitten completely drenched and shivering. It was so small and weak-looking and each cry it made pierced me to my core because I could see a little bit of my own situation in that kitten.
I stopped and began to stoop down to get a better look, but in the back of my mind all I could think of was how impossible it would be for me to take care of a little kitten (given my job hours, my inexperience with cats, etc...). I think the kitten sensed my hesitation because as I got closer, it quickly scurried away. I, in turn, stood back up and continued walking to the corner store.
I have no idea what will happen to that kitten. I saw it again when I walked through the front gates of my apartment complex - apparently another passerby had brought it out of the rain and placed it outside the guard room. I have no idea what will happen with my job either. Maybe it's time I stopped reaching out to God on my own terms and really started to ask Him what it is He wants of me. I can't continue to stay in this job and allow myself to play the victim and wallow in my own misery. My attitude must change. I am not a kitten struggling to survive a rainstorm. I am a human being capable of making my own decisions and living with the consequences.
