On Ambition

I have no idea what innately drives some people. I only know that I am a pretty competitive person by nature and that has translated to some pretty crazy ambitions over my life-time.

Crazy ambitions that I really won't go into (if only because by calling them "crazy" I pretty much admitted that I didn't achieve any of the things that I aimed for).

But I must have been completely freaking insane to think that I could start my first career in a foreign country. As if a legal career in BigLaw isn't difficult enough, I decided I needed the extra challenge of attempting it with the handicap of not being a native speaker of the language that the legal work needs to be done in. Oh, but barely 6 months ago, while I waited for my job's start date to arrive, I was absolutely freaking convinced that I could survive (even thrive!) in China.

Yeah. No.

But you, the reader, will doubtlessly say: "But plenty of other people have thrived overseas working in a job that required them to operate in a language they were not comfortable in!" And you'd be right, except, I may not (or may?) be one those people.

The me of 2 or 3 years ago would have definitely sucked it up and pushed on through (if only for pride's sake). I'm not so sure about the me of today.

In need of hope

I called my sister yesterday, to vent my frustrations at my own inability to control my life. It has been the most stressful week ever at the firm. On top of that I was sick.

And I got to talking to Su, and we talked about her decision (back in my 1L year) to sell the motel. I totally understand why she would want to do that nowadays. But 5 years later, she seems to be accustomed to the everyday demands of the motel.

I wonder if I will be able to do the same with biglaw? Part of me desperately doesn't want to get "used to" biglaw, but on the other hand, right now, I have no better alternative. Plus, I'd really be wussing out if I didn't at least stick it out for a while longer.

I have no idea if I have what it takes. And I have no idea when/if I will break down. But if all it took was one week, then maybe I don't have what it takes. And maybe that's okay?

I really don't know anymore.

It just got serious up in Liaoning

I've been in Liaoning for 19 days doing due diligence work for a project. All that time, I've been living in the same Kunlun Hotel in the same room.

And today, on my nighstand, the hotel decided I might have use for this sbox. But it's what's inside the sbox that counts! A dildo, condoms, cock rings, lube... everything a lawyer on a due diligence trip needs!